Oh yes, we all love a good cabin movie.  Teenage stereotypes, alcohol, drugs, orgies… and a lovely array of supernatural goodies.  Think zombies, flesh-eating viruses, rapist trees.  You know, the usual run-of-the-mill kind of things.  My love of cabin-themed movies, plus an irrational obsession with ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’, has led me to a very simple conclusion: I had to watch ‘The Cabin in the Woods’. 

The incredible Joss Whedon and occasional Buffy contributor Drew Goddard conjured up this amazing idea, which, on paper, sounds like a trip to Disneyland (well, for me, anyway).  Goddard took the reins and directed, but you can practically see Whedon breathing down his neck for the entire duration of the film.  I don’t know how much detail of the storyline that I really need to go into, but for those who have been living under a rock, five friends take a holiday to a remote cabin (in the woods – fancy that!) where fun and games ensue.  Of course, in true Whedon fashion, nothing is ever as it seems.

The film is… good.  Well, I didn’t hate it – let’s put it that way.  The acting is quirky and exaggerated (on purpose) and the movie itself is paced well to prevent those horrible, sluggish ‘character development’ minutes common in these types of flicks.  Everything about it is right, yet for some reason I feel like they kind of got it wrong.  Even the blood and guts weren’t enough to entice me here.

When the film was cancelled from a theatre release in Australia, I, along with zillions of other Buffy nerds, cried hysteria and felt completely and utterly ripped off.  Now, after seeing it… I don’t know, perhaps they didn’t consider it ‘hardcore’ enough for the Paranormal Activity fans out there?  (Yes, my tongue is very firmly planted in my cheek).  Even Thor himself and a killer cameo at the end cannot seem to save this one.

I probably wouldn’t consider this a die-hard horror film and once you’ve viewed it, I’m sure you’ll agree.  Go in with an open mind and a smirk on your lips and you should enjoy it.  But don’t go in expecting a cabin-themed masterpiece (a la Evil Dead or Cabin Fever).

Each and every time I read articles about horror movies, which are the most horrific, the ones that will shock the pants off you, ‘Martyrs’ is always close to the top of the list.  Naturally, after reading profusely about this film, intrigued at its’ ability to shock even the most jaded of horror fans, I had to give it a look.  Of course, things aren’t always as they seem in the world of film critics…

The film itself is French, filmed in Quebec, Canada.  Don’t be disheartened by subtitles; I find them an excellent way to help fully absorb yourself in a movie.  Anyway, not the point.  It follows two girls, Lucie and Anna, both subjected to horrible abuse as children (however, in separate circumstances).  Adult Lucie is determined to get revenge on those who put her through such terrible anguish, with Anna (generally) supporting her.  Lucie, suffering from trauma as well as delusions, soon allows herself to be consumed by her mental instability, leaving Anna alone in the house of Lucie’s abusers.  I know this seems like a long-winded introduction but I don’t want to give any of the events away.

Shortly into her time in the apparently empty house, Anna makes a discovery: a sterile, hospital-like basement hidden away from the world.  In this basement Anna finds yet another like Lucie who has been tortured in the same manner, minus the escape.  Needless to say, Anna’s attempts to help the other are short-lived.  Once again alone in the house, Anna is confused and becoming unravelled.  That is, until she is found.

From here on the film takes an interesting turn, exposing us to a world filled with depravity and torment, all the while lacking humanity and reason.  As Anna’s life begins a rapid downward spiral, it becomes quite difficult to understand why this film was made.  The concept of a martyr is not entirely convincing and while many reviews rave about how different ‘Martyrs’ is from the shock-horror gore-porn we have all come to know – I don’t know, I can’t say I necessarily agree.  The film is bizarre, twisted, degrading, horrific, unreasonable and, to be frank, f***ed up.  Don’t get me wrong, I understood it, but was there a need for it?  Perhaps not.

Look, give it one viewing – if you get squeamish at mutated humans like me, then you’ll get a slight kick out of it.  But ensure you are prepared for a whole lot of strange.  ‘Martyrs’ will definitely not be anything like you are expecting.

Once upon a time, in a far away land (well, far enough from Australia, that is), lived a beautiful princess named Reese Witherspoon.  She decided, with so little experience with acting, that she would dabble in the horror/thriller genre with a certain white rapper who manned the Funky Bunch at the time.  And so, together, with the help of Alyssa Milano, they made a wonderfully-trashy, junk-food-esque teen movie known as ‘Fear’.

Well, ok, sure, that is probably not exactly how the movie was created.  But how often can you go back in time and watch two Hollywood heavyweights (both with Oscars, or at least nominations, under their belts) in a classic teen thriller movie set in the bleak, alternative-grunge 1990s?  ‘Fear’ is an interesting, insightful movie that explores young love and the dangers that can be associated with this; inclusive of psychotic boyfriends and a possessive father with his heart in the right place.

Witherspoon plays Nicole, a naïve, do-gooder teen who is entranced by the brooding, muscular David (Mark Wahlberg).  An older guy and obviously not what every father dreams of for his baby daughter, David is hiding some dark demons never even imagined by Nicole.  She continues to date David until he Hulks up and, green with jealous rage, lashes out on Nicole’s best friend (a male, of course).  Nicole decides not to see David but is soon sucked back in by his devilishly handsome looks.  Of course, further incidents occur and soon Nicole is watching her back, with David following her every move. 

The film honours the typical teen movie behaviours: high schoolers, love, sex, drugs, violence, alternative music.  Not to mention a new take on riding rollercoasters.  However, ‘Fear’ focuses a lot of its’ attention on Nicole’s father Steve, played by CSI’s William Petersen (Grissom).  You learn to understand his pain and anguish, then feel his blood boiling as the film reaches its’ climax.  Cue the Last House on the Left invasion, complete with psycho drug addicts, no phones and an unfortunate incident involving a dog shishkabob.  Need I say more?

‘Fear’ is a great Friday night flick to go with your takeaway and post-work brain drain.  Enjoy a hearty trash movie with a couple of giggles and a few stereotypical jump-scares.  Definitely worth the watch – this is a long-time favourite of mine.

Horror can be defined in many ways.  It can be terrifying, where you’ll have nightmares for weeks.  It can be horrifying, where it is just plain horrific and you squirm in disgust.  It can be scary in a totally different way (Katherine Heigl anyone??).  But sometimes all you want is a good old fashioned scare.

‘The Woman in Black’ will give you exactly that.  Set sometime in the early to mid-1900s, the movie follows Daniel Radcliffe’s Arthur Kipps, a widowed lawyer sent to follow up a deceased estate known as Eel Marsh House.  Upon his arrival, the townsfolk are determined to make him leave – with Kipps even more determined to stay and finish his business.  What he is unaware of is the curse that haunts the town, a ghostly woman in black hell bent on wreaking vengeance on anyone who lays their eyes on her.

It’s tricky not to give too much of the plot away, so I won’t go into too much of a synopsis of the film.  Radcliffe is a great actor, which makes me more sorry that all I could hear in the back of my head was “You’re a wizard, Harry!”  He seemed rather young to have such a young son, but that was a reflection of the times, I suppose.  The movie had all of the typical clichés of a horror movie: dark hallways, locked doors, misty marshlands.  There wasn’t a great deal of score, something I feel contributed to the overall feel of the film.  It did take a good half hour before anything major happened, however the last thirty to forty minutes of the film were truly engaging.  There was a few jump scares, but honestly it was the creepy doll factor that scared the bejesus out of me.  I don’t scare easily but they gave me some serious wiggins. 

I would definitely recommend ‘The Woman in Black’ to any horror fan.  I love a good scare and I feel like I definitely got my money’s worth.  I am predicting that the movie wouldn’t have as much of an effect had I have been at home (unless I was alone and it was dark), so on that note please spend some cashola and check it out at the cinemas.  You’ll hate yourself for the parts you jump at, and I can say that from experience.  But you’ll definitely come out of the cinema feeling satisfied. 

Just a shame we got it so long after America.  Ahh, gotta love the way Australian cinema appreciates horror.

Admit it.  You love it when you watch a film that sits with you for hours, even days after.  Your stomach twists and turns, you cover your eyes but peek through your hands because you can’t miss a minute.  You get that strange internal shudder that goes down your spine all the way to your toes.  Your mouth tastes slightly off afterwards.

Yes, I love a good ol’ sick movie.  Not necessarily scary as in jump-scares.  More like scary as in could-this-really-happen-cos-if-it-did-I-would-never-sleep-again.  The most disturbing horror movies have a range of characteristics; while some are stomach-churning with oozy visceral goodness, some are mentally disturbing that leave you questioning the sicko who actually came up with the film’s concept.  I know when I find a movie disturbing because I get a headache from frowning so much and I get the walkabouts.  Here are the ones that particularly resonated with me – for all the WRONG reasons.

10. Dread

‘Dread’ is an interesting, thought-provoking movie; it follows a group of college students making a documentary about the things people dread most.  It’s a relatively slow film but quite enjoyable… that is, until the scourer scene pops up.  In short, one of the girls in the film has a dark purple birth mark that covers one side of her body and after being humiliated, attempts to use a scourer and a bottle of bleach to ‘clean’ her body.  That scene alone really messed with my head.

9.  Deadgirl

Hmmm… interesting is all I have to say for this one.  Oh, ok, I’ll give you a summary.  So this film is about a group of high school boys who discover a woman in an abandoned mental asylum who is literally unable to die.  Bound to a hospital bed, the boys’ hormones get the better of them and they proceed to experiment (in a number of different disturbing ways) with the woman.  It is quite disgusting and creates a lot of questions about morals and integrity.  Worth a look but not for the weak stomached.

8.  The Woman

Similarly to ‘Deadgirl’, ‘The Woman’ once again has a woman help captive for a multitude of disturbing reasons.  However, Jack Ketchum’s film is centered around a seemingly family man who discovers the last remaining member of a wild clan of people.  He attempts to ‘civilize’ her by chaining her up, however he is unaware of the effect this woman is having on his family.  The film is violent and brutal, yet quite an interesting piece of social commentary.  This fact doesn’t make it any less disgusting.  I get quite squirmy when people are not ‘normal’; any deformities that are created for the purpose of sheer horror really make me feel quite ill.  I have recently added Ketchum’s ‘The Girl Next Door’ to my Quickflix queue, so I’m interested to see where that would’ve ended up on this list.

7.  Funny Games

Not to be confused with the Naomi Watts remake of the same name (which also stands solidly on its own), ‘Funny Games’ is an eerie German movie about a family who is tormented by a couple of sick neighbours while on holiday.  This is one film you definitely feel the need to watch with one eye closed; not for the scare factor, but because it is quite horrific in a totally different way.  The thing that makes this film so disturbing is not only that it could truly be a possibility, but the lack of remorse and the sheer pleasure the tormentors get out of their sick games will burn a hole into your mind.

6.  House of 1000 Corpses

I like Rob Zombie’s music and his films are quite good.  This one, being his first, still churns my stomach to this day.  I first watched this movie as a teenager and while it wasn’t particularly scary, some of the moments were quite horrific in my book.  I can still picture the half-man-half-fish (Dwight Schrute everybody!) and it gives me some serious wiggins.  Let’s face it: anything with deranged carnies will make anybody feel sick.

5.  Irreversible

I had only heard a little about this film before watching it.  My partner’s friend said his girlfriend had banned it from their house and said “I bet your missus can’t sit through more than half an hour of it”.  Challenge accepted!  But did I expect such a brutal, violent, grizzly film?  Not at all.  There are a lot of online references to the nine-minute rape scene of Monica Belucci, however I felt absolutely disgusted at the head-bashing earlier on in the film.  Not for the faint hearted but worth fulfilling that sense of curiosity we all have.

4.  Se7en

Probably considered more thriller than horror, ‘Se7en’ is by far one of my favourite movies.  Of all the concepts highlighted in the film, I have to say there is one sin that really got to me: Gluttony.  I won’t say any more.

3.  The Hills Have Eyes

As I mentioned before, mutations and deformations make me absolutely sick to the stomach.  As in those made for sheer horrific entertainment.  The remake of ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ is one of the most disturbing films I have ever watched and is relentless even after multiple viewings.  I will count all of the mutants as equally disturbing in this one.  However, it is what they do to the family motor-homing across the state that really freak me out.  The baby, the rape, the scene where they go into the mutants’ house… ugh.  My stomach is gurgling as I type.

2.  I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

Rape and torture, when paired up, are always going to be incredibly disturbing.  I’m not usually affected by these things, even as a woman, however this film sat with me in quite an unsavoury fashion.  While I didn’t enjoy the rape scene, I oddly enough enjoyed the revenge inflicted on Jennifer’s tormentors, no matter how sick to my stomach they made me.  When there is no supernatural element to a film, no demon possession, no comical masked serial killer, just sheer human brutality… that marks a deeply disturbing film which only leads to one thought: This could happen to me.

1.  Pet Semetary

I know I’ll probably cop some flack for putting this at the top of my list, but there are just so many elements of this film that give me some serious heeby jeebies.  The flashback scenes with Aunt Zelda freaked the you-know-what out of me – and I only watched this movie for the first time a couple of years ago!  There are a lot of actual scary moments in this film (a lot of them include post-mortem Gage), however this was one movie that truly made my stomach turn, primarily due to Aunt Zelda.  Definitely worth a watch (and a highly recommended book by my dad), this is one that really disturbed me out for days to come.